Please Bible responsibly

If you’re like me, you’ve been treated to more than one unwanted advance from that well-dressed, smiley and clingy page thumper who claims to know where you can find all the answers and save your soul from a default afterlife that’s allegedly even more excruciating than the encounter you’re presently having—even thought they can’t, for the life of them, articulate just one independent, critical thought. Which begs the question: Who will save your soul (i.e. mind) from this belief system that sounds like something that came straight from the (undisputedly schizophrenic) mind of H.P. Lovecraft?
robothell_zune_bigFaced with such an uncannily sticky social situation (not that different in theory from your brush with that salesman or that politician), you may have thought your only options were joining their cult (which unless you’re broke often involves an implicit “church tax” known as tithing), claiming to be Jewish, or being saddled with something even worse than the lake of fire itself: that all-too-familiar aftertaste of guilt, awkwardness and pity. But that, my friend, is where you’re wrong…

Be their psychological prey no longer!
Defend your sanity with these all-natural, all-rational pest deterrents!
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“All these things spake Jesus unto the multitude in parables; and without a parable spake he not unto them: That it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, saying, I will open my mouth in parables; I will utter things which have been kept secret from the foundation of the world” (Matthew 13:34-35).
“And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all these things are done in parables: That seeing they may see, and not perceive; and hearing they may hear, and not understand; lest at any time they should be converted, and their sins should be forgiven them” (Mark 4:11-12).
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“They have the Churches, but we have the true Faith”
(early Christian saying, regarding the Arian Christians).
Backwards
“The New Testament is hidden in the Old, and the Old is revealed in the New” (Augustine, Quaestiones in Heptateuchum).
“And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature (Mark 16:15).
Biblicism
“Therefore, brethren, stand fast, and hold the traditions which ye have been taught, whether by word, or our epistle” (2 Thessalonians 2:15).
Doctrines
“And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition. For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death: But ye say, If a man shall say to his father or mother, It is Corban, that is to say, a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; he shall be free. And ye suffer him no more to do ought for his father or his mother; Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye” (Mark 7:9-13).
Literally
Jesus said, “Call no man on earth your father“, but he did give his beloved disciple an earthly mother.
Israel
“And I will bless them that bless thee [singular], and curse him that curseth thee [again singular]: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed” (Genesis 12:3), which makes a lot of sense since at this point all families of the earth are descended from Abraham—no more Ashkenazis (who rule the modern State of Israel) than any other group!
“Jesus saw Nathanael coming to him, and saith of him, Behold an Israelite indeed, in whom is no guile [also translated ‘deceit’]!” (John 1:47).12fm05
Zionism: 100% dependent on anti-Semitism.
Knowledge
Road to perdition much? Oh the self-defeating theologies that are born of making a neurotic named Augustine (who couldn’t even read Greek much less Hebrew!) your exclusive patristic authority on Genesis.
Luther
“I hope the last Day of Judgment is not far, I persuade myself verily it will not be absent full three hundred years longer” (Martin Luther).
Statues
Gee, double-standard much?
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Funny thing: Emulating Muslims (in teetotaling, iconoclasm, scriptural literalism, and a general anti-monastic sentiment) while simultaneously hating them…
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To what extent has the devil of Christianity come to be portrayed in the same way as the God of the Bible? Lucifer is mentioned one time in the Bible and refers to a king in Babylon. To say Lucifer is Satan is unbiblical fakelore, at best.
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Anachronism much?
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I’d better withhold comment on the titles I would tend to bestow on them. (Sorry, forgot “Minister”.)
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Conclusion: Do you even Gospel, Pastor?!
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Also used in genuine priestly chrism (see Christ) or anointing oil.

“God only speaks to me and not so much to you except through me and especially this book that I have, that’s actually an anthology of frankly quite probably altered tales and rules, most of which if you read on are no longer binding anyway. (Sorry about wasting valuable time and trees.) But I have a really cool costume and can drop names so you’ll keep coming back to me, rather than just take the book and walk, which would be an understandable move especially because I’m constantly telling you which parts are literal, which parts are metaphors, and which parts I think God got wrong. Don’t you ever stop to wonder if I really represent God…or perhaps the other guy?”
—Your Pastor’s Name Here
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JESUS DOESN’T ANSWER TO YOUR TIDY THEOLOGY
“Heretical/Heterodox Cults” that the Jesus of the Canonical Gospels can easily be and/or has been associated with:
EASTERN RELIGIOUS (well duh, Christianity much?)
CHRISTIAN “ABERRATIONAL” (“The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light” [Matthew 6:22].)
SATANIC (“But when the Pharisees heard it, they said, This fellow doth not cast out devils, but by Beelzebub the prince of the devils” [Matthew 12:24].)
OCCULT/WITCHCRAFT/VOODOO (“But without a parable spake he not unto them: and when they were alone, he expounded all things to his disciples” [Mark 4:34].)
SPIRITUALIST (“And, behold, there appeared unto them Moses and Elias talking with him” [Matthew 17:3].)
RACE THEORIST (“But he answered and said, It is not meet to take the children’s bread, and to cast it to dogs” [Matthew 15:26]. “Ye worship ye know not what: we know what we worship: for salvation is of the Jews” [John 4:22].)
ZEN AND SINO-JAPANESE PHILOSOPHICAL-MYSTICAL (“It is the spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you, they are spirit, and they are life” [John 6:63].)
FLYING SAUCER AND OUTER SPACE (“And when he had spoken these things, while they beheld, he was taken up; and a cloud received him out of their sight” [Acts 1:9].)
PSYCHOTHERAPY (a term that literally means “soul-healing”)
MASS-THERAPY / TRANSFORMATIONAL TRAINING (“For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins” [Matthew 26:28].)
POLITICAL (“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace” [Isaiah 9:6].)
NEW AGE (“But the hour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him” [John 4:23].)
COMMERCIALISM (okay, I can’t remember a time Jesus cast a salesman in a positive light; then again, it’s arguably THE MOST WESTERN of the “cults” you listed)
COMMUNAL/SELF-HELP (“And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague” [Mark 5:34].)
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John Hagee
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Reductio ad Reformationem
Creepy Girlfriend Meme - are you saved? yes? what about now?       are you still saved?
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6 thoughts on “Please Bible responsibly

  1. When Jesus says “it is finished” he was not talking about sacrifices, he was saying that the old testament prophecy which told of his birth & death had come to pass, had been fulfilled, had been concluded, ie: it is finished.

    • That is one of the most commonly held theories. Another (which is far more fun AND more intellectually satisfying) is that, since Jesus began his marital overtures by reciting the traditional Jewish WEDDING VOWS (“In my father’s house there are many mansions”, etc., etc., etc.), therefore the moment Jesus expires is the moment the mystical marriage is CONSUMMATED (whence the Latin version “CONSUMMATUM est”). Indeed, Scott Hahn, famous Catholic theology troll, points out that Jesus shared only two of the three traditional Passover chalices at the Last Supper, with the third chalice being his death (“Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done”). See also his comments regarding “Eli, Eli” and the psalm Jesus begins to quote from the cross that starts off downtrodden…yet ends with victory!

  2. I usually don’t read too much about the scripture that other people have written and only for just one reason. I do have questions, some I am still waiting for the answers on. I do know this though, that if I start listening to others, then believing what they say, it could lead to clouded judgement and a wrong discernment of God’s word. I have to trust and have faith that when I pray to God for clarity that he will when he is ready give it to me. Though I do love having a good discussion with others like you. For me the only marriage Jesus was into was between himself and the Word of God.

  3. what exactly are you asking me about that I think is or may be scripture. I want to be very clear on that before I can answer.

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