An American riddle

I asked people to refer to me as a prophet AND KING OF THE EARTH, GOD TO MY GENERATION, AND PRESIDENT OF THE SPIRIT-WORLD.

I claimed to have visions of angels AND OF DIVINITIES, AND I SCRUBBED THE ONES WITH PAGAN CONTENT SUCH AS GUARDIAN SPIRITS IN THE HILLS.

I practiced polygamy, even marrying a girl who was unacceptably young for that time WITH INSTANT FULL PRIVILEGES, WHILE LYING TO MY WIFE, I FORNICATED WITH THEN MARRIED A TOTAL OF 44 WOMEN, 7 ADULTEROUSLY, 7 TEENS, BUT PROVIDED ZIP FOR THEIR WELFARE.

I claimed to revere Jesus yet stated that all the disciples of his disciples had corrupted his message and that he was no more divine than you or I, PROVIDED THAT WE BE WHITE, WEDDED AND WITH OFFSPRING.

When it became obvious that most of the Whites in the nation weren’t going to invest in my message (doubtless owing to its over-abundance of fraud and emotional blackmail), I bitterly ordered my enemies killed, ABUSED MY PROPHET CON TO VEIL DEATH THREATS AS PREDICTIONS, AND WAS PLANNING TO SURPRISE EVERYBODY WITH A HOLY WAR ON THE GOVERNMENT BY ALLYING MYSELF WITH THOSE I HAD CALLED DAMNED (DARK-SKINNED NATIVE AMERICANS), AND I TAUGHT THAT SUICIDE MAY ATONE FOR SIN.

A virtue-signaling social justice warrior (literally), I LOOKED DOWN ON HONEST LABOR AND EXCLUDED BLACK MEN FROM THE HIGHEST HONORS.

I forbade my followers from drinking alcohol AND COFFEE, YET I WAS KNOWN FOR TAKING THE LORD’S NAME IN VEIN (AS IF ANYTHING COULD WEAKEN MY TESTIMONY EVEN FURTHER); ALL TOLD, I FORMALLY BROKE AT LEAST SEVEN OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. (MY CONVICTION FOR THEFT IS ON THE TOWN RECORDS OF PALMYRA, N.Y.)

I violently silenced all dissenting voices AND TERRORIZED ALL WHO TOLD THE TRUTH ABOUT ME, EVEN HAVING MY MEN DESTROY A NEWSPAPER PRESS!

Drunk with patriarchy, I TAUGHT THAT WOMEN REQUIRE A HUSBAND TO RAISE THEM UP TO LIFE AFTER DEATH.

A tireless pain in the neck of every innocent human for miles around, I WENT EVEN FURTHER AND HAD MY FOLLOWERS BAPTIZE THE REMAINS OF THEIR DEPARTED ANCESTORS.

My teachings rest not on facts but on feelings, AND I TEACH MY FOLLOWERS THAT IF HEARING ME GIVES THEM A “BURNING IN THEIR BOSOM” THAT “PROVES” MY WORDS ARE TRUE.

I resist all reform and enlightenment, AND MY FOLLOWERS IN YOUR LIFETIME INCONSIDERATELY BANG ON THE DOORS OF GOD-FEARING, LAW-ABIDING PERSONS IN AMERICA AND AROUND THE GLOBE, HARASS THOSE WHO HAVE HAD ENOUGH HYPOCRISY, AND HAVE TRANSFORMED THE C.I.A. INTO A PATHOLOGICAL LYING BORG.

WHO AM I?
(Hint: “America’s Muhammad”)

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